A New Day

I have as of yet posted anything from my experience losing my baby to SIDS. On November 7th she would have been 4 years old. Hard for me to think about. I sometimes still find myself wishing she would have lived. But then I realize there are experiences I wouldn't have had or people I wouldn't know if she had lived. I do know that losing Naomi has given me a deeper compassion for others who are going through the same kind of loss.

Naomi was 5 1/2 weeks old the morning she died of SIDS. I feed her the night of December 15th 2006 around 11:00. I put her to bed thinking she would wake up later in four hours and I would feed her again then. She did wake up at 3:00, but I wanted her to sleep longer during the night, so I comforted her and so did Ken so she went back to sleep. I expected her to wake up again at 4:00 like she had done before. I woke up at 6:00 feeling relieved that Naomi had slept longer then expected. Ken and I talked for about 45 minutes before I decided to go into her room to feed her. I peeled back the covers to find her white as a ghost. I did CPR on her and so did Ken. We called 911 and they arrived within 15 minutes. I was in total shock to say the least. I could not believe this was happening to us. I rode in the ambulance hugging my knees and praying my baby Naomi would somehow live. We got to the ER and they worked to bring her back to life but after 30 minutes them came and told us she was gone there was nothing more they could do. I was in shock. How could our baby die like this? It was too much to take in. I was numb at first, not sure of what to believe and trying to figure out how this could happen to us. I seriously don't know how I got through those first few weeks. I felt every emotion imaginable, pain, anger, fear, hatred, and guilt. I feared I had cause my baby's death. I learned these are all normal reaction to grief.

These emotions continued less in severity over the next year and a half. Nine months after losing our daughter Naomi I became pregnant again. We were over joyed and scared to death as we knew we would have to go through all the fear of losing this baby. We were ready though. So 18 months after losing Naomi we welcomed Kirsten Ann Tennant into our home. She brought a rainbow after the storm to our grieving family. While I will always miss Naomi and nothing and no one could take her place, it helped so much to have Kirsten. Another baby to love again. She was and to me still is my sunshine kid. I love her for teaching me that there is life after grieving and that I could love another baby again. I look forward to having that time with Naomi in the next life when I will get to raise her. Knowing what I know now makes it bitter sweet, more sweet then bitter now. What I want to say to others like me others who have lost a baby is that there is always hope always a new day. Look forward to that new day and it will come.