A New Day

I have as of yet posted anything from my experience losing my baby to SIDS. On November 7th she would have been 4 years old. Hard for me to think about. I sometimes still find myself wishing she would have lived. But then I realize there are experiences I wouldn't have had or people I wouldn't know if she had lived. I do know that losing Naomi has given me a deeper compassion for others who are going through the same kind of loss.

Naomi was 5 1/2 weeks old the morning she died of SIDS. I feed her the night of December 15th 2006 around 11:00. I put her to bed thinking she would wake up later in four hours and I would feed her again then. She did wake up at 3:00, but I wanted her to sleep longer during the night, so I comforted her and so did Ken so she went back to sleep. I expected her to wake up again at 4:00 like she had done before. I woke up at 6:00 feeling relieved that Naomi had slept longer then expected. Ken and I talked for about 45 minutes before I decided to go into her room to feed her. I peeled back the covers to find her white as a ghost. I did CPR on her and so did Ken. We called 911 and they arrived within 15 minutes. I was in total shock to say the least. I could not believe this was happening to us. I rode in the ambulance hugging my knees and praying my baby Naomi would somehow live. We got to the ER and they worked to bring her back to life but after 30 minutes them came and told us she was gone there was nothing more they could do. I was in shock. How could our baby die like this? It was too much to take in. I was numb at first, not sure of what to believe and trying to figure out how this could happen to us. I seriously don't know how I got through those first few weeks. I felt every emotion imaginable, pain, anger, fear, hatred, and guilt. I feared I had cause my baby's death. I learned these are all normal reaction to grief.

These emotions continued less in severity over the next year and a half. Nine months after losing our daughter Naomi I became pregnant again. We were over joyed and scared to death as we knew we would have to go through all the fear of losing this baby. We were ready though. So 18 months after losing Naomi we welcomed Kirsten Ann Tennant into our home. She brought a rainbow after the storm to our grieving family. While I will always miss Naomi and nothing and no one could take her place, it helped so much to have Kirsten. Another baby to love again. She was and to me still is my sunshine kid. I love her for teaching me that there is life after grieving and that I could love another baby again. I look forward to having that time with Naomi in the next life when I will get to raise her. Knowing what I know now makes it bitter sweet, more sweet then bitter now. What I want to say to others like me others who have lost a baby is that there is always hope always a new day. Look forward to that new day and it will come.

We are just two moms who lost our little children to S.I.D.S. I lost a little boy named Johnathan. He was 8 weeks and 6 days old. I put him down for a nap. Two hours later, I went to check on him. I missed him by about ten minutes. C.P.R. did not work. My husband and I were devastated. We had had a miscarriage only the year before. Jo-no was our first live birth. I felt everything from anger to guilt to "did I do it?", to "why did you do this to me?", to "how could I have done this?", to just being numb, to the most blinding pain I have ever felt. Then we became pregnant again on oops. We hardly noticed, as our little guy had only been gone for about 6 weeks. Then we lost that baby too. We were surprised to realize we were sad, because we had not even thought about the baby since we found out I was pregnant. So we decided to do it on purpose, and got pregnant with our little Maximus in May. (Jo-no died in Jan). The first ten months were the worst for me. Then it started to smooth out a bit. Thank goodness. The searing pain started to fade. Missing him did not go away at all, even though we had a baby coming. We new it was not a replacement, but maybe the baby could help us "fill our empty arms" But it did not help. Untill he was born. Then I just felt this huge amount of piece. I knew my Jo-no was there to see. He only stayed a moment, but it was a gift that gave me so much piece and relief, as I felt that he might feel bad that we were having another baby. Max almost died a day after he was born. He had sepsis which brought on other problems. I think that happened so that my husband and I could really appreciate him, and not be angry that he might be trying to take Jo-no's place. The first ten months were the worst for me. Then it started to smooth out a bit. Thank goodness. The searing pain started to fade. Our little Max has been the biggest band-aid we could have asked for. I think about my Jo-no everyday, but it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. I can think of him with a smile now. It has been only two years. I thought I would be dying for the rest of my life. But I am OK. I am healing and I don't have to feel guilty for it. This is what I'm supposed to do. It's OK.