We are just two moms who lost our little children to S.I.D.S. I lost a little boy named Johnathan. He was 8 weeks and 6 days old. I put him down for a nap. Two hours later, I went to check on him. I missed him by about ten minutes. C.P.R. did not work. My husband and I were devastated. We had had a miscarriage only the year before. Jo-no was our first live birth. I felt everything from anger to guilt to "did I do it?", to "why did you do this to me?", to "how could I have done this?", to just being numb, to the most blinding pain I have ever felt. Then we became pregnant again on oops. We hardly noticed, as our little guy had only been gone for about 6 weeks. Then we lost that baby too. We were surprised to realize we were sad, because we had not even thought about the baby since we found out I was pregnant. So we decided to do it on purpose, and got pregnant with our little Maximus in May. (Jo-no died in Jan). The first ten months were the worst for me. Then it started to smooth out a bit. Thank goodness. The searing pain started to fade. Missing him did not go away at all, even though we had a baby coming. We new it was not a replacement, but maybe the baby could help us "fill our empty arms" But it did not help. Untill he was born. Then I just felt this huge amount of piece. I knew my Jo-no was there to see. He only stayed a moment, but it was a gift that gave me so much piece and relief, as I felt that he might feel bad that we were having another baby. Max almost died a day after he was born. He had sepsis which brought on other problems. I think that happened so that my husband and I could really appreciate him, and not be angry that he might be trying to take Jo-no's place. The first ten months were the worst for me. Then it started to smooth out a bit. Thank goodness. The searing pain started to fade. Our little Max has been the biggest band-aid we could have asked for. I think about my Jo-no everyday, but it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. I can think of him with a smile now. It has been only two years. I thought I would be dying for the rest of my life. But I am OK. I am healing and I don't have to feel guilty for it. This is what I'm supposed to do. It's OK.